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Stuart would have loved the scene and would probably have sat down in that field with my dog and taken in the surroundings. 

Unfortunately, we lost Stuart, 4 years ago on the 30th April but I know that we all remember him each and every day. He was a kind soul, who would defend those he loved fearlessly.  He was also shy, quiet, intelligent with a quick wit and he loved animals (he always said far more than he liked people) and above all he loved nothing better than to get lost in a book and being transported away to a fantasy land.  I remember sitting with him in the garden, on a rug placed on the grass on hot summers day.  He was reading a book and as he did so, he mindlessly twiddled the ears of the dog as she contentedly sat with him.  I remember so many things about him, not least him making daisy chains to place around my wrist or on my head or placing buttercups beneath my chin to “see if I liked butter.”  So many wonderful memories of my big brother and I am sure that my Mum, sisters and brother would be able to tell so many more stories of him. 

I remember the weekend that we lost him.  So clear, those feelings of shock, sadness, the hole at the very core of my being.  But that day, that weekend, the loss of a shared future – that is not how I choose to remember him.  I choose to be thankful for the many wonderful memories we created as a family.

There are so many things in life that we grieve over.  We traditionally think of the loss of a loved one, but we can also grieve over the loss of a job, loss of security, loss of a home, loss of a relationship.  Whatever it is that we are grieving, it is valid and real, and the ache and pain is unmissable.  I have had my fair share of grief in my life: the loss of family members, the loss of babies, of friends, pets, and even the loss of jobs I have loved.  Of course, grief it is something that each one of us must go through at some point in their lives and I am sure that I will see more in my lifetime.

I know how hard it can be to move out of grief, the loss of my babies through miscarriages were the hardest losses that I ever faced.  The thoughts of failure, of shame, the thoughts of disappointment at not being able to do what seemingly everyone else could do so easily and more importantly the loss of a future that I had dreamed of – those thoughts were deep and raw and sometimes, even now, that pain can still prick at my very core and that’s OK, because I know that the good feelings will come back because that’s how life works, isn’t it? 

One of the things I remember people saying to me during those raw times of my life is that time is a healer.  I suppose that this is right in a way, but I think that there is more to it, for me at least. 
I had good friends and family who listened to me, who let me express my loss and I had time which allowed me to reassess those losses and reframe them.  I no longer mourn for a future that didn’t happen but instead I take forward the memories of the good things that did happen and doing this allows me to remember with fondness instead of the pain of loss.  I had wonderful times with family and friends, I met so many people through jobs I no longer have but I kept the knowledge and learnings I gained.  I moved from grief to gratitude.

I now help others who are stuck in the grief cycle.  I listen, I support, and I help them to move from that raw pain to a place of calm acceptance and gratitude and I suppose I have to be grateful for all losses in my life that allow me to help others in this way.

If you are suffering from loss and grief and would like to talk to me, please reach out.

Sending love